The Life of Job and Shame-based Manipulation

This morning I was reading through Job, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. I realized it was because what I was reading was such as clear reflection of the Church today.

Job was a broken man. He lost everything--his family, wealth, health, and even the support of his wife and friends. In his time of greatest trial and need those around him, who should have supported and encouraged him, cursed and accused him. Job sought guidance and perspective from the people who had thus far been faithful to him, but what he received was more misery. They tried using reason, guilt, shame, and threats to make Job agree with them. Throughout the conversation Job maintained his innocence and continually asserted that God is sovereign and faithful. His friends pelted him with accusations of sin and pride; they talked and talked, trying to include as many arguments as possible in the hopes that one of them would strike a chord with Job. Here is a man who seemingly had every reason to cast aside his faith and curse God, and who was told by his most trusted friends that he deserved everything that happened to him. In the face of it all Job did not falter.

It would be easy to read this account and become angry with Job's friends; it seems so painfully clear that their actions are abhorrent. What's difficult is accepting that this culture of shame still persists, and often prevails, in our own lives. Though many of us are quick to condemn the outright prosperity gospel, we allow a more subtle form to permeate our teachings and actions. We may not say "Obey God and you will be a millionaire," but how often do we say "Obey God and you will be happy" or "Obey God and you will find love/success/security/etc." In the same vein we teach that hardship is the direct result of sin. Somehow we have lost the idea that the Christian life is not promised to be one of ease or security. We gloss over the accounts of poverty, persecution, and imprisonment in the Bible, and instead manufacture this image of successful Christianity meaning a two-car garage and weekends spent on the boat. This is a nice idea, but where are the white picket fences and Mediterranean cruises in the life described and lived by Jesus?

"Blessed are the poor in spirt...

Blessed are those who mourn...

Blessed are the gentle...

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...

Blessed are the merciful...

Blessed are the pure in heart...

Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, 

for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven."

This is the picture Jesus gives us of a life lived well. Nowhere in this description is there anything resembling the idealization of power and prosperity that is so apparent in modern culture. This person is humble, loving, and faithful. They are unafraid to follow God despite the pressures applied by the world. There is no boasting or muscle flexing, and there are certainly no promises of or prosperity or an easy life. 

It is our own brokenness that's taken us from this life of consistent faithfulness to one of check lists and outward demonstrations. As sinful people we want tangible steps to follow and quantitative results to analyze. It's easy for us to say that if you are obedient you will be blessed, because as a society we've established a system of rewarding good behavior. If a child behaves they are given a present. If an adult performs well at work they are given a bonus. Everything we do is attached to a positive or negative outcome. We work out in order to look nice, we study hard so we can make a lot of money, and all too often we think God operates the same way.Our desperate need to understand the inner workings of our Creator results in our attributing human qualities to divine actions. The only promise given by God to His people is that of fellowship with Him. That is our only reward, and it's not attached to any level of physical comfort. Someone who makes $200k a year and someone who makes $20k have absolutely the same potential for fellowship with God. Money and comfort are not used by God as part of a reward system. He does not promise to financially bless the faithful just as he does not threaten to without financial security from the faithless. This connection is manmade and ultimately detrimental to the understanding and living out of our faith.

I say all of that just to make my real point. If sin and hardship do not go hand in hand, then how hateful are we being when we teach that it does? How presumptuous is it of us to use God's name for our own purposes? We plant in people the idea that misfortune is their own fault, and we use declarations of God's will to manipulate the actions of those around us. Job's friends should have encouraged his determined faithfulness to God's immutable holiness, but instead they blamed his pain on his supposed sin. They should have seen the God-given strength that was carrying Job through these trials, but instead they assured him that his misfortunes were evidence that God couldn't possibly be by his side. They used emotionally and intellectually charged manipulation to try and persuade Job away from what he knew to be true and instead subscribe to their own self-serving version of the facts. If there was no causal link between Job's actions and his loss, then that meant that the same could happen to them. They needed to believe that their adherence to the law would secure their comfort level, so they persecuted Job when his life and words suggested anything else. 

Don't we do the same? Don't we use guilt, shame, and fear in an attempt to maintain the delicately balanced gospel we've created? If someone can live in contradiction to our ideas of interrelated obedience and blessing then what does that say about the state of our own souls? As Christians we are supposed to support and encourage one another. We are called to carry each other's burdens and rejoice for one another's successes. The Church is supposed to be a place a of fellowship and community. Shame and manipulation have no place in the kingdom of God, and they shouldn't have a place on our lives. When we see something that challenges our understanding of the gospel we shouldn't lash out in fear or hatred; we should be confident enough in the supremacy of our God that we can accept the fact that we will never understand everything or have all the answers. It should be enough for us to help each other take one step after another in faithful obedience to the truths we do understand. 

"My foot has held fast to His path; 

I have kept His way and not turned aside. 

But He is unique and who can turn Him? 

And what His soul desires, that He does."

Faithfulness

At the very beginning of this year somebody challenged me to pick a word that would characterize my 2012. They shared a story of doing this in their own life, and how God led them to a word that grew to mean more to them than they'd even imagined possible. The story was very moving, and I respect this person very much so I decided to give it a try. After just a few moments of consideration, I settled on the word "faithfulness." It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this was the word I should write down. I jotted the word onto an index card and stuck it in my Kindle case. Since that day I've looked at the word every time I open my Kindle, and some days it means something and others it doesn't seem to mean as much. What God has been teaching me over the past few weeks is that "faithfulness" has already come to mean more in my life than I could have ever predicted.

When I first chose it, I think that I believed faithfulness was as simple as consistency. As long as I was consistently praying, reading my Bible, serving, and attending church I was being faithful. I have always struggled with my inclination to gage the success of my faith on tangible works. "How many times did I pray? How many times did I sin? Ok, that means my spiritual health is currently this or that." That's how my brain works all too often. The idea that the depth of my relationship with God goes beyond how many chapters of the Bible I read is scary. That means that I have to offer more; I have to surrender more. If you know me, you know that's something I'm not very good at. I function best when I can control the details and outcome of a situation. At least, I think I do. When I take a step back and look at my life I can see that the times when I had a death grip on the reigns of my life were the times when things were most difficult and stressful. It's the rare moments when I let go of the control that I understand that in complete submission there is complete peace. This truth is completely contradictory to my nature and to my definition of faithfulness.

I am at a time in life where so much is ahead and so much is uncertain. Many chapters are nearing their end, and entirely new ones are about to be written. This is exciting and terrifying. For someone who craves control, the terror can often overshadow the excitement. I feel like I should have all the answers and the plans should all be made. I want to know the future, and I want to know that it holds security. What God is teaching me is that this is where the true meaning of faithfulness will be found.

Faithfulness isn't just about consistency, though that can be a part of it. It's not in my actions or my words; faithfulness is in my soul. I am so weak and broken that I can hear God's crisp and clear leading one moment, and the second there is a bump in the road I question that voice or challenge His ability to bring to fruition what He said. I scramble for control, and I set out to plan exactly how I am going to get from my Point A to God's Point B. Who am I to think that I would be able to offer anything to the fulfillment of God's will? Do I believe that I can see the path more clearly than Him, or that I am more capable than the God that I call Redeemer? Yes, many times I do think that; or at the very least I operate as if I do. This is why God told me to write down the word "faithfulness," because I am incredibly faithless.

It's in the moments of trial and uncertainty that faithfulness will carry me through. When things are scary or when a calling seems impossible, that's when His fulfillment of a promise will reflect the most glory. His truth does not diminish in the darkness. He never loses His way or encounters circumstances that He didn't foresee and ordain. If I believe that He is sovereign than I have to be faithful. I can't say that I'm operating according to His will and seeking the calling that He's placed on my life if I'm not trusting Him. When I get lost in my stress and planning, I lose sight of the path that I had started on. The realization of an ambition becomes my true goal, but all the while I scream that I'm just obeying what God told me. I'm not saying that God won't lead me down a road that requires hard work and diligence, but no amount of either will bring about anything without the His hand.

He may lead me down a path that's scary or that doesn't make sense. I truly believe that He's currently doing just that. What I so often forget is that these are His paths, not mine. I can't navigate them without Him, and I can't convince anybody to follow me on a journey that He hasn't moved them to. In all things, big and small, easy and scary, it is faithfulness to Him that will carry me through. It's the understanding and embodiment of His grace, love, and truth that will strengthen me to faithfully follow Him and do so in a way that gives Him all the glory. I'm coming to understand that, as all things, faithfulness is only possible through faith.

1. 
   
   "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
   Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
   Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
   Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
   1. 
      
   1. This is my story, this is my song,
   1. Praising my Savior all the day long;
   
   
   Perfect submission, perfect delight,
   Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
   Angels, descending, bring from above
   Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
   
   
   Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."

The Cost of Criticism

Something that's really been weighing on my lately is the price of negativity.

"What are you talking about? Unlike everything else in the universe, negativity is free and easy!"

That might seem true, but it isn't.

We live in a world where criticism is the most valuable comedic currency and politicians' best qualifications are the failures of their opponents. In a time of seemingly irreversible financial, political, and cultural decline negativity seems the only logical response. My generation has grown up in a period of perpetual war and constant declarations of impending financial doom. I'm about to graduate college when, in the job market, a Bachelors degree means little more than a tee ball MVP certificate. Certainly, all of this gives me a license to be negative.

That's how I often see it--the more life throws at me the more I have the right to shoot negativity right back at it. It's so easy to justify. When the blows won't stop coming and it can seem that the only answer is to punch and kick right back. Surely if I spit enough nails at my problems they'll go away, right?

That seems correct, but recently I've become less sure. It's easy to get discouraged or tired and let my naturally critical spirit take control. It's even easier to allow that to pour onto others. How many times have I lashed out in negativity at those around me just because I'm experiencing hardship of some kind? How often do I let sarcasm ooze form my every pore because hiding behind a "sense of humor" is less terrifying than dealing with whatever is at its root? Is this really the best way to deal with something? Obviously, it isn't.

The real question though isn't whether or not my negativity accomplishes anything. Instead I should be asking is my negativity costing anything. The simple answer is that it hurts those who I encounter when at my worst. The more complicated answer is how it damages me. Can I honestly say that I can cut someone else down or declare something a lost cause and it won't leave a mark on me? No, I don't think I can.

God promises a Spirit of love, joy, and peace. He promises that everything resides in the palm of His hand and that He will never harm or fail us. Am I just taking this for granted when I live in negativity? Or am I suggesting that they're untrue or insufficient? Do I not believe that He is sovereign or that His peace might surpass understanding but it can't surpass my particular circumstances?

No, certainly I don't believe any of that. I believe God's promises are true and sufficient. I believe that He has complete control, and that His peace is supernatural and my only hope for remaining sane. It's when I allow negativity to take root that these truths are challenged. I might not want to admit it, but each biting remark and jaded comment threatens to chip away at the love, joy, and peace the Holy Spirit gives. When I view my life or those in it through the lenses of a critical spirit, I am voluntarily putting aside those of hope and peace that God promises.

This is a lesson that I frequently learn and, obviously, frequently forget. When everything around me points to a free and easy solution of negativity it's difficult to remember that it doesn't exist. Negativity is not part of the Spirit of God, and criticism does come at a cost. These truths are never more evident than in the very word of God.

"And He said, 'My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.'" 

Exodus 33:14

"You are my hiding place; You surround me with songs of deliverance." 

Psalm 32:7

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence." 

Psalm 42:5

"'Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded,' declares the LORD." 

Jeremiah 31:16

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Romans 15:13

A Little Random and A Lot Long

Yes, it's Saturday so I should probably pick back up on SSS after my month-long hiatus, but today I just want to write. Ironically, I'm currently supposed to be writing a paper on gender politics in Restoration poetry. As you can imagine, it's not going very well. I've been sitting at my computer since 10AM, and am only halfway finished. It seems that these are always the times when I return to this blog. I could focus on how fickle that makes me, but let's just move on.

A lot has been going on lately, and at the same time not that much has been going on. I feel like I'm at a weird stage in my life--I'm very rapidly nearing the end of my college career and at the same time trying to plan for what the next stage of my life will look like. Last time I was on the brink of such big transition I did not hold up well. Hopefully this time I can walk through it with stronger faith and greater peace. It seems that this should be a time of happiness. I am about to graduate, I'm planning my wedding, I'm doing and learning other stuff that people my age do and learn. People always paint this picture with the brushstrokes of pure bliss. Instead, I find I'm deeply overwhelmed and a little bit frozen.

I can't explain exactly what I mean by "frozen," but it was the only word that seemed to fit what it happening in my brain these days. There are a lot of things I could point to as being the cause of this feeling. I'm not as consistently in God's Word like I should be, I don't write consistently like I should, this semester has lent itself to a lot more isolation than I'd expected, I could go on and on. You might say, well you know the problem, just go fix it. And I guess you'd be right. 

I've been a passive victim before. I've allowed by problems and fears to overwhelm me. I can tell you with confidence, that it got me nowhere. God does not call us to lay down and weep a trial away. He calls us to walk in faith. Sometimes I'm really good at this. I've learned to trust God relentlessly in certain areas of my life, and I have seen the incredible blessings that come along with this. Even so, there are other areas which I constantly analyze and agonize over, never content to believe God is capable. It sounds so stupid, I know. How can I say I've seen His undeniable blessing in one situation yet still cling desperately to my illusions of control in another? It's something I wish were not the case, but something I don't believe will ever go away.

From Adam to Moses to Peter, humanity has continually rejected the truth that God is sovereign. I hesitate to phrase it that way, but when I clamp my fists, shut my eyes, and refuse to acknowledge God's hand in a situation, what else am I doing? Do I truly believe that He is not able? Would I really say that my circumstances are a surprise or disappointment to the God that I call Creator and Savior? No, of course not. In my moments of clarity, I would never claim either of these things. But how often do my actions claim them? In those moments when I push out the voices of reason and love so that I can be alone with my fears and insecurities, where is my faith? 

Life is infinitely more complicated than anyone tells you it's going to be, and so much of what society tells us to expect is a lie. I've been encountering this so much recently--I've come upon and am still approaching so many "milestones," and I've had a hard time processing them the way I'm told I should. As a people and community we have so many expectations of one another. Sometimes these can spur us onto greater achievements than would have been possible on our own. Other times these can bog us down from just experiencing life, because we are so busy jumping through the hoops others hold out for us. It is in these situations that I need to remember that these are man-made hoops, and that God has created me to be specifically unique because He has a specifically unique purpose for me. 

We don't all have to fit a mold, and we don't have to jump through every hoop. Life is hard, and emotions will always seek to overwhelm and control us. But God has called us to so much more. He promises a life of intentionality, peace, and fulfillment. We don't have to float along hoping we happen upon our destiny or soulmate or fairy tale ending. God's plans are already prepared, and He promises that they will bring deeper happiness than any turn of fate or stroke of luck. We don't have to be passive or afraid. He created us for the indescribable blessings of worshiping and sharing in fellowship with Him. In the light of those promises, it's hard to be bogged down by the daily grind or even by the seemingly insurmountable hardships that stand before us. 

How to Keep the Holiday Peace

Well, guys, it's officially the Holiday Season. That means it's time for houses to be decked out in enough lights for a techno rave, stuffing as much chocolate into our faces as we possibly can before New Year's Resolutions rain down their fitness wrath on January 1st, dancing around the truth of Santa Claus, and occasionally it even means creating pleasant memories with loved ones. I say occasionally because if we're being honest the increased quality time we "enjoy" during the holidays can bring about as much hostility as it can happiness. I don't mean to be a downer, I'm just trying to get it all out in the open. They don't say that acceptance is the first step to recovery for no reason, and really how could we not trust the sound advice of the alcoholics??

Now that we've reached this place of acceptance, the question is how to we avoid the blowout fight blues and keep the holiday peace? If you're anything like me it really comes down to knowing who's right and who's wrong. That way one person will be busy basking in their know-it-all glory while the other is running through the mental paces of reformatting their point, and both will be too busy to fight! So, here are a few full-proof ways of determining who will walk away with the W.

1. Thumb Wars. This is a classic, but it only works if both parties agree to follow the rules. There are many variations to the game that can cloud the certainty of a victory--these MUST be hammered out before 1, 2, 3, 4, you declare thumb war. You have to know if you're going to allow a ref, how long the thumb must be pinned for, and whether playing possum is acceptable (really, the list goes on). I would also recommend playing with elbows firmly planted on a table. That way you won't encounter any cheating in the form of using arm muscles or re-positioning for more leverage. It's sad, but some people just don't know the meaning of the word honor.

2. Dance battle. While not for the faint of heart, the dance battle is highly effective. Not only can you tailor the battle to the liking of those involved (tap, interpretive, square, and 90s pop music video are all acceptable forms of dance), but the amount of "oh snaps" from the audience serve as a clear indicator of the victor. Plus, it's better to have danced and lost than to never have danced at all.

3. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Another oldie but goodie. It does offer the advantage of being best two out of three (DO NOT let anyone dupe you into only playing a single round--that is not a true defeat), but it also comes along with its own set of challenges. This lesson can be best illustrated by our good FRIENDS Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey. If this is the route you decide to take, beware of the wildcard.

4. Wendy's Challenge. For those of you living under a no-gorging-on-fast-food rock, I pity your abysmal existence and would like to introduce you to the true meaning of eating your feelings. The Wendy's Challenge is an amazing feat of human endurance in which you eat one of each item on the restaurant's dollar menu. The obvious application to our issue is that each party would sit down to this feast and the first to lick their proverbial plate clean is the winner.

5. Screaming match. Somebody, most likely a very lazy and apathetic body, once said "If the wheel isn't broken, don't fix it." While that may not be the best mantra for all areas of life, I think it can be applied here. Sometimes there's no need to get fancy; it may just be enough to scream and scream until one person passes out from lack of air or rational thoughts, whichever comes first.

So, next time you begin to butt heads just whip out your boom box or jet through the nearest Wendy's drive-thru, and the tension will just melt away.

How do you decide who's the superior party in a fight?

Strange Stuff S(t)aturday: Take One

Some fortune cookies from Pei Wei once told me that "Consistency is key" and "A crab rangoon a  day keeps the doctor away." I'm pretty sure one of those is completely untrue, but that doesn't diminish the wisdom of the other. While considering that food for thought (HA) I realized that there isn't very much consistency in our world, but the one thing you can always count on is that society will think and do some seriously weird stuff. With that in mind, I would like to introduce to you....

Strange Stuff S(t)aturday

From now on Saturdays--or S(t)aturdays as the need for alliteration may force it to be called--will be spent discussing the strange stuff we as a society have accepted into our collective conscience. To kick things off I'd like to share with you a little bit of the long list I've compiled throughout my twenty-one years of life.


1. Kidz Bop. This makes me want to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" while slapping the people that keep buying these CDs. Kidz Bop 20 recently featured songs from artists such as Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Have we forgotten that Brittney has spent as much time strung out as she has sober, and that despite all of her millions Lady Gaga somehow cannot afford a pair of pants? The songs on this most recent installment of the Kidz Bop franchise talk about drinking, going to clubs, the scars left by lost love, and drag queens. Do we really want the next generation of politicians, teachers, and parents singing about these things on their way to third grade? Do we really not realize that a bunch of ten year olds are talking about grabbing their drinks and back, back, backin' it up on the dance floor? Am I really the only one totally weirded out by that??

2. Celebrities' salaries. A recent article by Forbes discussed Hollywood's most overpaid actors, and I can't say I was surprised by people like Will Ferrell, and Tom Cruise landing on the top of the list. These actors demand millions before agreeing to make a film--their salary is set regardless of box office profits. Whether the movie is a bust or a hit, they walk away with a pay check bigger than most people make in a lifetime. I mean, I get that famous people are mostly super attractive, but are they really $100 million dollars attractive? While they probably did spend $100 million dollars to get that way, I'm going to say that the answer is no.

3. Kissing in public. Alright, guys, let's be honest. Is there anything more uncomfortable than sitting next to two people who are gnawing on lips or nibbling on ears? No. There isn't. It's the worst. I mean, I get it, you're really, super, totally in love, and the only way to prove that is to swap as much spit as you possibly can. I'm just asking that you not make me watch while you do it. Also, please don't take pictures of it and post it on Facebook. My News Feed is not the place to flaunt your never-ending make out sesh.

4. Twilight. Here, we must enter venture once again into the No Judge Zone. I have in fact read all the Twilight books, and I did in fact enjoy them while I was in the midst of it. It's only after having some time apart from their inexplicable allure that I've gained some perspective. Now I can honestly say "WHAT THE HECK IS EVERYONE THINKING?!" Let's just briefly go over the plot. A girl meets a vegetarian vampire. They're in high school but fall madly in love with one another. He realizes he's a vampire who will always want to suck her blood. He leaves her, and she lays in the woods for a million years crying away her will to live. She starts to flirt with a werewolf who loves her, and repeatedly risks her life because that's the only way she can hear her long, lost vampire love's voice. He returns. She tries to sex him, and makes fun of him for saying he wants to wait until marriage. They get married when she graduates high school. They have a baby that almost rips out of her belly. It turns out the werewolf was actually in love with the baby, not the mom. Everyone lives happily ever after. HOW HAS THAT STORY MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?!

5. Nickleback. I don't even have the words for this one. They were named Band of the Decade in 2010, and I can only assume that whoever made that decision was under serious duress or very, very intoxicated. This video demonstrates what I'm talking about, but I'll be honest and say that I only made it through sixteen seconds before I felt too ill to continue.

These are just a few of the things that society will not, for some reason, admit are totally weird and not awesome. What do you guys think is undeniably strange but somehow manages to fly under the Good Sense Radar?

Economic Crisis: Ten Things That Won't Get You Out of It

Chicken Little once said "The sky is falling." and nobody believed him.

Well, I remember my fifth grade teacher telling me on 9/11 that our entire economy was going to collapse, and she was basically right. I don't know that I can remember a time when people weren't warning of economic disaster. When I tell people I'm getting ready to graduate college, some of them actually apologize. The blinders have been ripped from America's eyes, and now we teach our children that there just might not be any hope.

This state of general despair has led the media to produce endless lists and programs to help get you back on your feet or prepare for the future. They've all got ten simple steps to economic security. Well, I say...

"Worrying about security? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again!"

I mean, not to be a downer, but it is what it is, guys. Why don't we focus on what we can control and loosen our death grip on the other stuff. There's got to be more to life than scrounging up all of our pennies and never letting go. Let's be a little less Mr. Krabs and a little more Spongebob on this one. Spongebob may not be awesome at earning money or being responsible, but he is awesome at having a good time. So, here are ten things that I think it's great to be good at, even if they won't make me rich.

1. Harry Potter trivia. Seriously, try and tell me it doesn't feel good to know that Professor Lockhart's favorite color is lilac and that James Potter's wand was mahogany, 11".

2. Recreating country guitar solos with my mouth. If there was a band where all instrumental sounds were made by mouth, I would be the star of it.

3. Avoiding eye contact. A college campus is riddled with people holding clipboards and stacks of fliers, trying to get you to donate or sign up for something. Normally that something is legalizing pot or getting free laser tag, so normally I couldn't care less. You will not meet a person better than I at avoiding the oppressive glare of these solicitors.

4. Spotting serial killers. Some might say this is just an over-active imagination, but let's just see who doesn't end up murdered and then talk.

5. Guessing nail polishes. There is almost no greater satisfaction than correctly guessing a stranger's nail color.

6. Watching TV. I mean, I'm really dedicated. I may or may not have written out a weekly calender. It's a skill that should be well honed.

7. Annotating. Thanks, 11th grade AP Lang, I might not be able to understand everything I'm reading but I can definitely annotate the heck out of it. And I'll make a purple and green ink masterpiece while I'm at it.

8. Whitewashing. No, I'm not referring to a paint job. I'm talking about tackling someone into the snow and shoving said snow into their face until they beg for mercy, and then, of course, not giving that mercy.

9. Facebook stalking. (NO JUDGE ZONE) I'm talking, go back a full calender year in someone's news feed kind of stalking. Don't pretend you've never done it.

10. Driving under the speed limit. You may think this is more a handicap and less a skill, but you would be wrong. When you reach the point of just not caring that other drivers are angrily passing you and possibly offering up offensive hand gestures, then you've reached a point of true inner peace. (Or, a place of true physical pain like when I drove home doing 30mph after my spirit-crushing kickboxing class tonight.)

These wonderful and diverse talents will never make me money, but they will make me happy while the rest of the world is running around crying over spilled national deficits.