Faithfulness

At the very beginning of this year somebody challenged me to pick a word that would characterize my 2012. They shared a story of doing this in their own life, and how God led them to a word that grew to mean more to them than they'd even imagined possible. The story was very moving, and I respect this person very much so I decided to give it a try. After just a few moments of consideration, I settled on the word "faithfulness." It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this was the word I should write down. I jotted the word onto an index card and stuck it in my Kindle case. Since that day I've looked at the word every time I open my Kindle, and some days it means something and others it doesn't seem to mean as much. What God has been teaching me over the past few weeks is that "faithfulness" has already come to mean more in my life than I could have ever predicted.

When I first chose it, I think that I believed faithfulness was as simple as consistency. As long as I was consistently praying, reading my Bible, serving, and attending church I was being faithful. I have always struggled with my inclination to gage the success of my faith on tangible works. "How many times did I pray? How many times did I sin? Ok, that means my spiritual health is currently this or that." That's how my brain works all too often. The idea that the depth of my relationship with God goes beyond how many chapters of the Bible I read is scary. That means that I have to offer more; I have to surrender more. If you know me, you know that's something I'm not very good at. I function best when I can control the details and outcome of a situation. At least, I think I do. When I take a step back and look at my life I can see that the times when I had a death grip on the reigns of my life were the times when things were most difficult and stressful. It's the rare moments when I let go of the control that I understand that in complete submission there is complete peace. This truth is completely contradictory to my nature and to my definition of faithfulness.

I am at a time in life where so much is ahead and so much is uncertain. Many chapters are nearing their end, and entirely new ones are about to be written. This is exciting and terrifying. For someone who craves control, the terror can often overshadow the excitement. I feel like I should have all the answers and the plans should all be made. I want to know the future, and I want to know that it holds security. What God is teaching me is that this is where the true meaning of faithfulness will be found.

Faithfulness isn't just about consistency, though that can be a part of it. It's not in my actions or my words; faithfulness is in my soul. I am so weak and broken that I can hear God's crisp and clear leading one moment, and the second there is a bump in the road I question that voice or challenge His ability to bring to fruition what He said. I scramble for control, and I set out to plan exactly how I am going to get from my Point A to God's Point B. Who am I to think that I would be able to offer anything to the fulfillment of God's will? Do I believe that I can see the path more clearly than Him, or that I am more capable than the God that I call Redeemer? Yes, many times I do think that; or at the very least I operate as if I do. This is why God told me to write down the word "faithfulness," because I am incredibly faithless.

It's in the moments of trial and uncertainty that faithfulness will carry me through. When things are scary or when a calling seems impossible, that's when His fulfillment of a promise will reflect the most glory. His truth does not diminish in the darkness. He never loses His way or encounters circumstances that He didn't foresee and ordain. If I believe that He is sovereign than I have to be faithful. I can't say that I'm operating according to His will and seeking the calling that He's placed on my life if I'm not trusting Him. When I get lost in my stress and planning, I lose sight of the path that I had started on. The realization of an ambition becomes my true goal, but all the while I scream that I'm just obeying what God told me. I'm not saying that God won't lead me down a road that requires hard work and diligence, but no amount of either will bring about anything without the His hand.

He may lead me down a path that's scary or that doesn't make sense. I truly believe that He's currently doing just that. What I so often forget is that these are His paths, not mine. I can't navigate them without Him, and I can't convince anybody to follow me on a journey that He hasn't moved them to. In all things, big and small, easy and scary, it is faithfulness to Him that will carry me through. It's the understanding and embodiment of His grace, love, and truth that will strengthen me to faithfully follow Him and do so in a way that gives Him all the glory. I'm coming to understand that, as all things, faithfulness is only possible through faith.

1. 
   
   "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
   Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
   Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
   Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
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   1. This is my story, this is my song,
   1. Praising my Savior all the day long;
   
   
   Perfect submission, perfect delight,
   Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
   Angels, descending, bring from above
   Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
   
   
   Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."