A Little Random and A Lot Long

Yes, it's Saturday so I should probably pick back up on SSS after my month-long hiatus, but today I just want to write. Ironically, I'm currently supposed to be writing a paper on gender politics in Restoration poetry. As you can imagine, it's not going very well. I've been sitting at my computer since 10AM, and am only halfway finished. It seems that these are always the times when I return to this blog. I could focus on how fickle that makes me, but let's just move on.

A lot has been going on lately, and at the same time not that much has been going on. I feel like I'm at a weird stage in my life--I'm very rapidly nearing the end of my college career and at the same time trying to plan for what the next stage of my life will look like. Last time I was on the brink of such big transition I did not hold up well. Hopefully this time I can walk through it with stronger faith and greater peace. It seems that this should be a time of happiness. I am about to graduate, I'm planning my wedding, I'm doing and learning other stuff that people my age do and learn. People always paint this picture with the brushstrokes of pure bliss. Instead, I find I'm deeply overwhelmed and a little bit frozen.

I can't explain exactly what I mean by "frozen," but it was the only word that seemed to fit what it happening in my brain these days. There are a lot of things I could point to as being the cause of this feeling. I'm not as consistently in God's Word like I should be, I don't write consistently like I should, this semester has lent itself to a lot more isolation than I'd expected, I could go on and on. You might say, well you know the problem, just go fix it. And I guess you'd be right. 

I've been a passive victim before. I've allowed by problems and fears to overwhelm me. I can tell you with confidence, that it got me nowhere. God does not call us to lay down and weep a trial away. He calls us to walk in faith. Sometimes I'm really good at this. I've learned to trust God relentlessly in certain areas of my life, and I have seen the incredible blessings that come along with this. Even so, there are other areas which I constantly analyze and agonize over, never content to believe God is capable. It sounds so stupid, I know. How can I say I've seen His undeniable blessing in one situation yet still cling desperately to my illusions of control in another? It's something I wish were not the case, but something I don't believe will ever go away.

From Adam to Moses to Peter, humanity has continually rejected the truth that God is sovereign. I hesitate to phrase it that way, but when I clamp my fists, shut my eyes, and refuse to acknowledge God's hand in a situation, what else am I doing? Do I truly believe that He is not able? Would I really say that my circumstances are a surprise or disappointment to the God that I call Creator and Savior? No, of course not. In my moments of clarity, I would never claim either of these things. But how often do my actions claim them? In those moments when I push out the voices of reason and love so that I can be alone with my fears and insecurities, where is my faith? 

Life is infinitely more complicated than anyone tells you it's going to be, and so much of what society tells us to expect is a lie. I've been encountering this so much recently--I've come upon and am still approaching so many "milestones," and I've had a hard time processing them the way I'm told I should. As a people and community we have so many expectations of one another. Sometimes these can spur us onto greater achievements than would have been possible on our own. Other times these can bog us down from just experiencing life, because we are so busy jumping through the hoops others hold out for us. It is in these situations that I need to remember that these are man-made hoops, and that God has created me to be specifically unique because He has a specifically unique purpose for me. 

We don't all have to fit a mold, and we don't have to jump through every hoop. Life is hard, and emotions will always seek to overwhelm and control us. But God has called us to so much more. He promises a life of intentionality, peace, and fulfillment. We don't have to float along hoping we happen upon our destiny or soulmate or fairy tale ending. God's plans are already prepared, and He promises that they will bring deeper happiness than any turn of fate or stroke of luck. We don't have to be passive or afraid. He created us for the indescribable blessings of worshiping and sharing in fellowship with Him. In the light of those promises, it's hard to be bogged down by the daily grind or even by the seemingly insurmountable hardships that stand before us.