Strange Stuff S(t)aturday: Take One

Some fortune cookies from Pei Wei once told me that "Consistency is key" and "A crab rangoon a  day keeps the doctor away." I'm pretty sure one of those is completely untrue, but that doesn't diminish the wisdom of the other. While considering that food for thought (HA) I realized that there isn't very much consistency in our world, but the one thing you can always count on is that society will think and do some seriously weird stuff. With that in mind, I would like to introduce to you....

Strange Stuff S(t)aturday

From now on Saturdays--or S(t)aturdays as the need for alliteration may force it to be called--will be spent discussing the strange stuff we as a society have accepted into our collective conscience. To kick things off I'd like to share with you a little bit of the long list I've compiled throughout my twenty-one years of life.


1. Kidz Bop. This makes me want to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" while slapping the people that keep buying these CDs. Kidz Bop 20 recently featured songs from artists such as Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Have we forgotten that Brittney has spent as much time strung out as she has sober, and that despite all of her millions Lady Gaga somehow cannot afford a pair of pants? The songs on this most recent installment of the Kidz Bop franchise talk about drinking, going to clubs, the scars left by lost love, and drag queens. Do we really want the next generation of politicians, teachers, and parents singing about these things on their way to third grade? Do we really not realize that a bunch of ten year olds are talking about grabbing their drinks and back, back, backin' it up on the dance floor? Am I really the only one totally weirded out by that??

2. Celebrities' salaries. A recent article by Forbes discussed Hollywood's most overpaid actors, and I can't say I was surprised by people like Will Ferrell, and Tom Cruise landing on the top of the list. These actors demand millions before agreeing to make a film--their salary is set regardless of box office profits. Whether the movie is a bust or a hit, they walk away with a pay check bigger than most people make in a lifetime. I mean, I get that famous people are mostly super attractive, but are they really $100 million dollars attractive? While they probably did spend $100 million dollars to get that way, I'm going to say that the answer is no.

3. Kissing in public. Alright, guys, let's be honest. Is there anything more uncomfortable than sitting next to two people who are gnawing on lips or nibbling on ears? No. There isn't. It's the worst. I mean, I get it, you're really, super, totally in love, and the only way to prove that is to swap as much spit as you possibly can. I'm just asking that you not make me watch while you do it. Also, please don't take pictures of it and post it on Facebook. My News Feed is not the place to flaunt your never-ending make out sesh.

4. Twilight. Here, we must enter venture once again into the No Judge Zone. I have in fact read all the Twilight books, and I did in fact enjoy them while I was in the midst of it. It's only after having some time apart from their inexplicable allure that I've gained some perspective. Now I can honestly say "WHAT THE HECK IS EVERYONE THINKING?!" Let's just briefly go over the plot. A girl meets a vegetarian vampire. They're in high school but fall madly in love with one another. He realizes he's a vampire who will always want to suck her blood. He leaves her, and she lays in the woods for a million years crying away her will to live. She starts to flirt with a werewolf who loves her, and repeatedly risks her life because that's the only way she can hear her long, lost vampire love's voice. He returns. She tries to sex him, and makes fun of him for saying he wants to wait until marriage. They get married when she graduates high school. They have a baby that almost rips out of her belly. It turns out the werewolf was actually in love with the baby, not the mom. Everyone lives happily ever after. HOW HAS THAT STORY MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?!

5. Nickleback. I don't even have the words for this one. They were named Band of the Decade in 2010, and I can only assume that whoever made that decision was under serious duress or very, very intoxicated. This video demonstrates what I'm talking about, but I'll be honest and say that I only made it through sixteen seconds before I felt too ill to continue.

These are just a few of the things that society will not, for some reason, admit are totally weird and not awesome. What do you guys think is undeniably strange but somehow manages to fly under the Good Sense Radar?

Economic Crisis: Ten Things That Won't Get You Out of It

Chicken Little once said "The sky is falling." and nobody believed him.

Well, I remember my fifth grade teacher telling me on 9/11 that our entire economy was going to collapse, and she was basically right. I don't know that I can remember a time when people weren't warning of economic disaster. When I tell people I'm getting ready to graduate college, some of them actually apologize. The blinders have been ripped from America's eyes, and now we teach our children that there just might not be any hope.

This state of general despair has led the media to produce endless lists and programs to help get you back on your feet or prepare for the future. They've all got ten simple steps to economic security. Well, I say...

"Worrying about security? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again!"

I mean, not to be a downer, but it is what it is, guys. Why don't we focus on what we can control and loosen our death grip on the other stuff. There's got to be more to life than scrounging up all of our pennies and never letting go. Let's be a little less Mr. Krabs and a little more Spongebob on this one. Spongebob may not be awesome at earning money or being responsible, but he is awesome at having a good time. So, here are ten things that I think it's great to be good at, even if they won't make me rich.

1. Harry Potter trivia. Seriously, try and tell me it doesn't feel good to know that Professor Lockhart's favorite color is lilac and that James Potter's wand was mahogany, 11".

2. Recreating country guitar solos with my mouth. If there was a band where all instrumental sounds were made by mouth, I would be the star of it.

3. Avoiding eye contact. A college campus is riddled with people holding clipboards and stacks of fliers, trying to get you to donate or sign up for something. Normally that something is legalizing pot or getting free laser tag, so normally I couldn't care less. You will not meet a person better than I at avoiding the oppressive glare of these solicitors.

4. Spotting serial killers. Some might say this is just an over-active imagination, but let's just see who doesn't end up murdered and then talk.

5. Guessing nail polishes. There is almost no greater satisfaction than correctly guessing a stranger's nail color.

6. Watching TV. I mean, I'm really dedicated. I may or may not have written out a weekly calender. It's a skill that should be well honed.

7. Annotating. Thanks, 11th grade AP Lang, I might not be able to understand everything I'm reading but I can definitely annotate the heck out of it. And I'll make a purple and green ink masterpiece while I'm at it.

8. Whitewashing. No, I'm not referring to a paint job. I'm talking about tackling someone into the snow and shoving said snow into their face until they beg for mercy, and then, of course, not giving that mercy.

9. Facebook stalking. (NO JUDGE ZONE) I'm talking, go back a full calender year in someone's news feed kind of stalking. Don't pretend you've never done it.

10. Driving under the speed limit. You may think this is more a handicap and less a skill, but you would be wrong. When you reach the point of just not caring that other drivers are angrily passing you and possibly offering up offensive hand gestures, then you've reached a point of true inner peace. (Or, a place of true physical pain like when I drove home doing 30mph after my spirit-crushing kickboxing class tonight.)

These wonderful and diverse talents will never make me money, but they will make me happy while the rest of the world is running around crying over spilled national deficits.

Never Fear, Your Stress Solution is Here

That's right, guys, it's midterm time again, and you know what that means...

STRESS LEVELS ARE AT AN ALL TIME HIGH.

Now, to be fair, my midterms this semester have been relatively straightforward and spread out enough that I haven't broken down in tears yet. Nonetheless, I am feeling the stress the unites all students into one obsessively high strung studying machine at the middle and end of every semester. It being my third year of college, and billionth year of school, you would think I'd be used to this. You might even expect that I'd have some full-proof stress busters to share, but I don't. Helpful, I know.

Even though I have not yet discovered the secret to stress relief I am constantly on the hunt, and I'd like to take a moment to share a few of my hypotheses.

1. Fill your bathtub with grapes, roll up your pants, and get to stompin'.

2. Take a series of webcam pictures or yourself being hilarious, and post it as a flip book on a friend's Facebook.

3. Finally go through your closet and get rid of everything that's been hanging in the corner, untouched, for the last two years.

4. Spend one hour online shopping to replace all the stuff you just threw away. (This could be developed into an awesome remake of the game show favorite Supermarket Sweep) 

5. Make an account on Pinterest and create a board dedicated to all the awesome stuff you're going to treat yourself to after your tests are over. 

6. Paint each nail (fingers and toes) with a different design.

7. Translate your Farmville skills to the real world and start a vegetable/herb garden.

8. Send a friend (preferably one with a sense of humor) 100 texts in ALL CAPS. 

9. Go for a drive with the windows down, and blast ballads by soulful female artists (i.e. Celine Dion, Cher, Christina Aguilera) because they understand your pain.

10. Be diligent and get your work out of the way so you can relax and not have to worry about it. (HAHAHA. Good one.)

These are just a few of the awesome ways I've come up with to take a stress breather. How do you guys shake off the pressure and regain some perspective?